


of scares & losses

by Hellokaelyn



Series: Charlotte Torres [40]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Past Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 12:43:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19394386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellokaelyn/pseuds/Hellokaelyn
Summary: "Losing something, real or not, can cause a deep sadness you never knew." - Unknown.





	of scares & losses

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of the Charlotte fics Loss of a Future, and Rough Times.

It started out as not even a thought.  
  
Not until Morgan had made a passing comment about stealing one of her tampons as she walked out of the bathroom.  
  
"I mean, the box wasn't even open-"  
  
Charlie froze. It wasn't open? But it was the end of the month, by now there should have been at least a few missing either from her using or stuffing in her purse.  
  
She was rushing to the bathroom seconds later, socked feet sliding along the bathroom floor.  
  
"Charlie what the hell-" Morgan appeared in the doorway right as she pulled out the tampon box.  
  
Only the one Morgan took was missing.  
  
"Oh god..oh-" Charlie mumbled under her breath, shoving past a confused and now worried Morgan as she ran to the calendar by her desk.  
  
She was late.  
  
Shit.  
  
"Charlie…" Morgan breathed her name out half in surprise and half in worry.  
  
Charlie turned to see the realization on her best friend and roommates face. She felt her face crumble, her breathing coming out in a gasping panic.  
  
"No no! It's okay sweetie, you could be late for other reasons!" Morgan pulled Charlie to her, running her hands up and down her back.  
  
"Like?" Her words muffled against Morgan's fluffy robe.  
  
"Stress for one, it's your first year of college. Add onto that everything that happened with Johnny-"  
  
Charlie shut her eyes tightly at the mention of him. Morgan could be right..right? She had done her best to not only get through her school work but be there every step she could in his recovery. Johnny had gone far, being able to walk and without assistance except if he walked for longer periods of time.  
  
She knew she'd been stressed, had seen the worried looks between her parents when she once asked if she could come home for a weekend just to get away from her books and bedroom walls that were lined with a deadline timeline and post-its with notes. Ellie Torres had wasted no time in jumping into mom mode, forcing food into her like she hadn't eaten for weeks and making her dad go to the store and buy carton after carton of ice cream.  
  
But Johnny..oh god Johnny! Did she let him know? Send him a "hey I might be growing your baby!" text?  
  
She must have said it out loud as seconds later a snort of amusement came from Morgan. Charlie groaned and moved away.  
  
"I'll call him for you, if you want?"  
  
"You don't have to do that! It's not your problem-"  
  
"Oh shut up Charlie." Morgan sighed loudly. "He's my brother and he may have knocked you up, you could be carrying my niece or nephew or- oh my god what if you have _twins_ too..or _triplets_!"  
  
Charlie stared at her wide eyed.  
  
Morgan blinked. "Right..keeping my mouth shut just uh- _holy fuck Charlie remember to breathe!"_  
  
Gasping breaths came from her, she heavily sat on the end of her bed. "Can you just-" She wildly waved her arm in the direction of her phone.  
  
"Oh right! Oops!"  
  
Charlie groaned and laid back heavily, listening to Morgan's side of the conversation.  
  
"Hey bro!" "So you aren't like driving at the moment are you?" "Great..can you come over but first buy at least three pregnancy tests?" "Uh no actually..it's not for me." "Yeaaaaaaaah..congratulations you might be a daddy!" "Johnny? Hellooo? You there-"  
  
Morgan pulled the phone away to glare at it. "That bastard hung up on me!"  
  
"Did he sound mad?" Charlie sat up, asking in a small voice. Her heart racing in her chest and feeling like she was gonna puke- _oh god isn't puking a sign?!_  
  
"Well he made some strangled noise and then hung up so..no?"  
  
"Awesome.."  
  
"Man that kid is gonna pop out with so much sarcasm."  
  
"Morgan." Charlie glared.  
  
"Right! Leaving! Call me with the news if I'll be an auntie or not- Byeeee!"  
  
Morgan ran.  
  
Charlie sighed and curled on her side, squeezing a pillow to her chest. She was thankful for Morgan, really, but her joking comments only made Charlie want to throw up.  
  
They were always so careful, both having ambitions for their future careers..but Charlie knew which night it happened, most of the night was hazy from all the alcohol she consumed but it had to be.  
  
But there was a small part of her..  
  
One of her hands wandered to rest on her stomach, her eyes welling with tears. There might be a baby in there. A perfect adorable mix of her and Johnny.

* * *

  
  
_Music blasted from speakers set throughout the house, most of the floor taken up by people dancing._  
  
_Charlie felt an arm wrap around her as she drank the rest of her drink, frowning at her empty cup. Turning she stumbled into the person's chest._  
  
_"Been looking everywhere for you." Johnny said loudly over the music, grinning at her._  
  
_"Maybe if you weren't busy with- with-" Charlie scrunched up her nose as she pointing in the general direction of a group of girls. "That fake lookin' bitch."_  
  
_"Jealous?" He asked in a teasing tone. "Since when does Charlotte Torres get jealous?"_  
  
_"Ugh shut up, she wants in your pants- and that's my job." Her fake pout turned into a smirk when she let her fingers dip into the edge of his jeans and his eyes darkened a little._  
  
_"Damn straight baby." He mumbled, kissing her a little clumsy and sloppy with both of them having alcohol flowing through them. Charlie giggled, giving away that she was at least a little tipsy._  
  
_"Let's dance! Show that bitch who you belong to!" Charlie bit her lip, knowing how much he liked when she did so._  
  
_Johnny groaned. "Fine but we're going upstairs after."_  
  
_"Good." As the music changed Charlie purposely turned to press her back against his chest, his hands automatically going to her hips, his lips on her neck, one of her hands going behind her to wrap around his neck, and the vibration of his groans against her neck as her hips moved to the beat._  
  
_From there she had a perfect view of the bitch who wanted Johnny. Her glare was set right on Charlie who smirked. A few songs later when Johnny held her hand moving through the crowd to the stairs, they walked by the girl._  
  
_Charlie bumped into her, smirk once again on her lips. "Have a good night." She said in a fake sweet tone with bite behind it._  


* * *

  
  
Johnny came crashing through the apartment door then her bedroom door only moments later. Face flushed red, panting, hair a disaster, glasses he rarely wore a little lopsided, and looking as if he threw on the first shirt he could find because why else would he be wearing the pink mickey mouse shirt Morgan had got him as a joke?  
  
"Charlie!" He breathed out a sigh of relief upon seeing her.  
  
She shot up, eyes worried. "Johnny you know running isn't good for-"  
  
"Fuck that Charlie!" Johnny dropped the bag of tests on her desk before getting on the bed beside her, his hands cupping her face. "I care about you right now not my stupid recovery."  
  
"But-"  
  
"No." He said sternly.  
  
She swallowed but nodded. "Thanks..for coming."  
  
"Did you doubt I would?"  
  
"No.." Her lips lifted a little. "But I would have hunted you down myself if I had to-"  
  
He laughed softly. "Oh I know." His face turned serious. "Do you wanna take them now?"  
  
"Uh yeah I should-"  
  
Johnny grabbed her arm before she could get off the bed, he kissed her making the panic in her chest disappear slightly. "No matter what, I'm not going anywhere, got it?"  
  
Charlie nodded, breathing out an 'I love you' before kissing him this time.  
  
"I love you too." He mumbled against her lips. "It'll be okay."  
  
Opening the plastic bag, she chuckled when she saw a giant bottle of water and way more than three tests. Johnny sheepishly shrugged making her smile.

* * *

  
  
  
They stared at the tests placed in a line.  
  
Every single one was negative.  
  
She was happy, it was her first year of college and she still had so much to do with her life before having kids.  
  
So why did she also feel like crying?  
  
Johnny behind her, wrapped his arms around her. Charlie swallowed the lump in her throat and put her hands on the arms against her chest. She felt him press his lips to the back of her head.  
  
"Do you feel it too?" He asked quietly, his voice wavering with emotion.  
  
Charlie gripped his arms tightly. "Yeah.."  
  
"This is a good thing, right?"  
  
"Right..right-" She twisted in his hold.  
  
They stood in the bathroom holding onto each other for a while.  
  
It was only for a moment, barely even, but it kind of felt as if they had lost something. Something they never even had in the first place.  


* * *

  
  
She considered keeping it to herself, keeping it to where the only people who knew would be the three of them. But the next weekend she spent at home, her mom coming in to wish her goodnight when she blurted it out, heart hammering in her chest.  
  
"I thought I was pregnant!"  
  
Ellie stopped. Slowly she turned to face Charlie, mouth open a little that she quickly shut. "Charlie?"  
  
"I- I thought I was pregnant for a little while." She repeated, arms wrapping tighter around Leo that she held.  
  
"Oh sweets-" Ellie reverted back to the childhood nickname, coming to sit beside her as she wrapped her arms around Charlie.  
  
Charlie sniffled and curled into her moms side. "I was afraid and knew it wasn't what I wanted but..but there was this part of me that was so sad when I saw the negative tests."  
  
"What about Johnny?" Ellie asked softly, running her fingers through Charlie's hair that was so much like her father.  
  
"He was a mess." Charlie said with a wet chuckle. "But..he was sad too."  
  
"I'm glad he was there for you. I'm guessing Morgan knows too?"  
  
"Yeah..she was with me when I realized, even though we would have told her anyway."  
  
Ellie nodded. "And are you still sad? That you're not pregnant?"  
  
"Is it dumb if I am?" She asked. "I mean, I know I'm not ready, and I still want to finish college and become an agent- and Johnny still has his schooling left then his residency-"  
  
"It's not dumb." Ellie assured her daughter.  
  
Charlie sat up, a curious look on her face. "Have you ever had a scare?"  
  
"Yeah..yeah I have." A look passed through her mom's eyes but she couldn't tell what it was before it was gone.  
  
"Was it..with dad or your ex-husband?"  
  
A sad smile was on her lips as she answered. "Your dad actually, the only time I had one."  
  
"But you two were already settled in your lives and grown up, so it was different right?" Charlie asked.  
  
"Sort of..but it was bad timing." Ellie admitted. "We had only just started dating, it was even before we confirmed that's what we were, and your dad was being sent undercover to close an old case of his that resurfaced."  
  
"Wait..you and dad had sex before you were even-"  
  
"Charlie!"  
  
"What? That's pretty hypocritical of dad then telling me not to sleep with a guy unless I'm dating them-" She cut off with a yelp, her mom having gave her ear a yank. "Okay okay!"  
  
"The point is-" Ellie gave a stern look. "I was sad about it just like you, and so was your dad, but we also knew it wasn't the best time."  
  
"Maybe I should call Johnny..check up on him."  
  
"I think that's a good idea. He's lucky to have you." Ellie kissed her head before standing.  
  
Charlie smiled a little. "I'm lucky to have him."  
  
"Goodnight sweets. I'll make you a big breakfast tomorrow."  
  
"Sounds great..but make sure dad makes the eggs, you always burn them." Charlie raised an eyebrow. "How you burn scrambled eggs I have no idea-"  
  
"Okay smart ass." Ellie laughed, shaking her head. "Once again, goodnight."  
  
"'Night mom. You know I love you right? Burnt eggs and all."  
  
Ellie chuckled, practically glowing at the 'I love you'. "I love you too."  


* * *

  
  
Ellie told Nick. She knew Charlie wouldn't mind, and it was hard not to tell him when she walked into their bedroom and looked like the weight was on her shoulders.  
  
He took a breath after she finished, both of them sitting on the bed facing each other. Ellie with her legs crossed, and Nick with one leg stretched outward and the other bent towards him. Ellie had expected him to freak out about his baby girl thinking she was pregnant, at almost being a grandfather, but his mind went in another direction..and she understood it perfectly.  
  
"You didn't tell her the truth."  
  
Ellie let out a shaky sigh. "No..I didn't."  
  
"You could have told her Ellie..I know It's hard, but-"  
  
"I know..I know." She swallowed the lump rising in her throat. Nick grabbed her hands, running his thumb along the back of them. "I just- it's been only you and I who knows what happened, and I'm not sure I want anyone else, even Charlie, to know."  
  
"That's okay." Nick said, tone comforting. Ellie smiled sadly, uncurling her legs and closing the distance to curl into his lap. Nick pressed a kiss to the side of her head, wrapping his arms securely around her.  
  
"I think about it sometimes you know..we would have had two..and if that stupid accident hadn't happened-" She cut herself off. It always hurt talking about the accident that ruined her chances of getting pregnant again. Nick's hold on her tightened.  
  
"I do too." Nick admits, making Ellie's eyes water. "I think about if it was a boy or girl- what we would have named them."  
  
Ellie buried her face in his chest, a sob breaking free. Nick in return buried his face in her hair, trying his hardest to control his own emotions.  
  
An hour later, after many whispered words of comfort and plenty of I love you's, Nick and Ellie fell asleep wrapped around each other. In the morning they would wake and make Charlie breakfast before she went back to her apartment to work on her assignments, their touches being more frequent and quick kisses turning more lingering.  
  
Ellie did lie to Charlie.  
  
She didn't have a scare, as she really was pregnant, had been for two months. There _was_ a case of Nick's that resurfaced that he was meant to go back undercover for, but he never went. The day before he was supposed to go back under, Ellie had a miscarriage. Nick had refused to go, saying he changed his mind, convincing Vance that they actually didn't need him to solve the case. Ellie faked being sick to avoid going to work for a few days, and no one found out. Not even Gibbs had noticed anything different as they tried their hardest to keep the crying and comfort out of work.   
  
It had been twenty-two years, and still no one but them knew the truth. And yet..the pain still lingered, an open wound that never healed correctly. 


End file.
